


Heist of the Heart

by DontSneeze



Category: South Park
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Anger Management, M/M, POV Kyle Broflovski
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-06
Updated: 2018-08-06
Packaged: 2019-06-23 01:47:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15595524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DontSneeze/pseuds/DontSneeze
Summary: Even after all these years, how does Cartman lure Kyle so easily into his schemes?OrKyle is a lawyer for a corrupt bank, and Cartman convinces him to join him in taking them down. Throughout the plan Kyle starts to catch feelings.Mainly kyman and some stennyRatings may change ;)





	1. Chapter 1

Kyle groaned loudly and shoved all his papers down his brief-case. He was beyond caring about his angry clients at this point, all he needed was some time off. Kyle pulled out the latest iPhone from his pocket- the benefit of working in law was definitely the pay, Kyle could afford to treat himself once in a while.

Kyle dialed his best friend since childhood, "Hey Stan, how was work?"

"Dude I am so ready to blow off steam. There was a fucking custody battle over a poodle in the waiting room today"

"Hey if they needed a lawyer you always could've called me." Kyle laughed picturing a frustrated Stan trying to treat a poodle while some obnoxious couple shouted the whole time.

"You're joking, but I don't doubt that they'll get to that point, man." Stan sounded deadly serious.

"Maybe I'll give them a call, it has to be better than the bullshit I'm dealing with."

"Fuck man, they have to be really shitty to you at the bank if you're seriously considering the poodle people." Stan laughed, but instead of humor the laugh carried a sense of pity.

"There's just so much corruption, I'm tired of it. I really don't want to defend their guilty asses in court." Kyle sighed, paying for the indoor parking lot where he kept his car during work.

"Why don't you quit? There's probably plenty of companies that would love to hire you." If only it was that easy, Kyle thought.

"I-" Kyle's voice wavered slightly as he remembered his boss Mr. Loogie's carefully handpicked words. "I don't have a choice if I value my safety."

"Fuck! Do you mean what I think you mean? Kyle, are you being threatened? Have you called the police?"

"Stan calm down, I don't need both of us freaking out right now." Kyle rubbed his throbbing forehead. God, was he ready to get wasted and forget about all of this.

"This isn't something you can fucking calm down about, Kyle this is seri-" Kyle hung up and got in the car. He ignored his vibrating phone and drove home, but changed his mind halfway through and headed straight for the pub. He couldn't wait an hour for Stan, he needed something to drink stat.

An hour later Stan found Kyle chugging what likely wasn't his first glass of beer. There was a slight sway in Kyle's shoulders.

"Dude, at this rate I'll be driving you home passed out drunk." Stan complained as he joined Kyle's booth.

"I'm not a fucking lightweight, Stan!" Kyle whined, but his words were slurred and he was unusually loud.

"Well whatever... I hope you try to stay sober for a bit, because Kenny's actually joining us today!"

"Kenny? McCormick?" Kyle was surprised at the mention of their childhood friend. They kept in touch alright over text, and even called once in a while to see how things were going, but meeting him here in person?

"Yeah! I was going to tell you earlier but I got distracted by your work problems, which-by the way-" Stan's expression became super serious, "we are not done talking about."

"Yeah yeah. What the fuck is Kenny doing in New York?" Kyle diverted.

"Ask him yourself when he gets here, he said he's 'around the corner.'"

"Maybe he got here following love, the way you did Stan." Kyle laughed and Stan groaned. Stan had moved to New York because of Wendy, but she dumped him half a year later and now he was too committed to his work.

"Kenny and love? Dude he's too busy fucking anyone and anything he can get consent from."

"You have a point there!" Kenny surprised them both by joining Stan's side of the booth. "There's just so much love to go around." He winked at them, grinning from ear to ear.

"Kenny!" Stan and Kyle both exclaimed, grinning themselves. Stan looked a little flustered.

"I didn't mean to like insult you or anything, Kenny," Stan fretted.

"You couldn't if you tried, hon." Kenny flirted and Stan laughed awkwardly. Kenny had definitely cleaned up since his South Park days. He was smart enough to keep his gorgeous face on display instead of obscured by a hood.

"What are you doing in New York?" Kyle questioned, eager to move away from this weird third wheel feeling he was getting.

"Cartman and I are doing a road trip together, and Broadway is one of our stops. His idea by the way, so fuckin gay." Kenny laughed.

"Eric Cartman?" Kyle felt like the world around him was in slow motion.


	2. Drinks with Old Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kyle weighs his options

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the support. Your comments are 100% of the reason I got motivated to stick with this. I have a plan and I really hope it goes well!
> 
> Thank you ❤❤❤❤

"Eric Cartman?" Kyle repeated more to himself. He hadn't thought about his former arch rival in years, but the mere mention of his name was enough to send cold electric shivers down his spine.

"Yeah!" Kenny laughed. "I spend most of my time with him now. We did always kinda pair off with you and Stan, and me and Cartman."

Kyle supposed that made sense, but the mere idea of Cartman somewhere in his vicinity at this very moment made it hard to focus. It felt as though the oxygen around him was replaced by a suffocating and toxic type of nostalgia. Despite that he couldn't help but be curious.

"I guess," Stan finally managed to recover from his shocked expression. "Still, I didn't know you're hanging out with him, Ken."

"Never a dull moment with Cartman around." Kenny explained. "Besides he does give a shit about his friends, but he tries to hide it to act all manly and edgy or whatever." For some reason it felt like Kenny was leaving something out. Whatever, Kyle thought, it doesn't really matter. 

"Cartman's not fucking manly." Kyle snorted.

"Yeah he's not." Kenny agreed. "He loves girly shit like all that crossdressing and..and-"

"And he was a total sucker for romance flicks." Stan added.

"I wouldn't be surprised if his favorite movie was The Notebook." Kyle interjected, smirking.

"You're joking, but I swear to God I caught him watching it once." Stan was barely able to pronounce words from the amount of wheezing his laughter was producing.

"Now I see why he didn't come. He would have been destroyed!" Kenny laughed so hard he nearly started choking on his drink.

Kyle shifted uncomfortably. Why was Cartman not here? Was it some elaborate scheme in order to mess with him? He started breathing in heavy and jagged intervals, dangerously close to hyperventilation. Kyle felt anger pumping through his body like blood.

The atmosphere around Kyle distorted, and he could hardly hear anything being said around him. Kenny and Stan felt light-years away and unimportant. The only thing that mattered was whatever Cartman was scheming, and what Kyle would do to prevent it.

Kyle had spent the last three years with only two anger-managment issues. The mere mention of Eric Cartman was enough to resurface his problem. That bastard!

"Kyle? Are you okay?" Kyle realized both Stan and Kenny were looking at him with very concerned and borderline motherly expressions.

"Sorry, I spaced out. Why didn't Cartman come for drinks?"

"Well he told me to say he was tired from the drive, but that's fuckin' bs. Truth is he's scared of you Kyle, I told him you were like super buff now and totally held a grudge." Kenny shrugged with one of his signature shit-eating grins.

"Holy fucking shit!" Stan snorted. "That's amazing."

"Hah yeah." On one hand Kyle wanted to laugh about Cartman huddled up in his room scared that Kyle would beat him up for all the shit he'd done when they were kids, but Kyle 's years as a lawyer made him fairly good at picking up lies. Kenny was a pro, but that line felt way too rehearsed.

What was Cartman up to? Kyle felt an itch in the back of his brain to go find him right now and stop whatever messed up scheme was going on.

Eric Cartman was not to be trusted.

 

"We could prank him." Stan's eyes suddenly lit up as if he'd just come up with the cute for cancer, but Kyle would be surprised if his idea was anything more than eye-roll worthy.

"What?" Kyle's voice was dry and unimpressed.

"Okay I know that sounds lame as fuck, but listen. Kenny could go out for drinks with him something And then- surprise- Kyle's there. He'd totally shit his pants!" Stan was waving his arms around wildly, clearly impressed with his own plan. Kenny looked like he was in a state of euphoria just imagining how scared Cartman would be.

Kyle- just as he had predicted- couldn't think to do anything other than roll his eyes. Intoxication definitely played a part in Stan's plan, but Kyle figured that even a sober Stan would be head over heels for this idea. Kyle was not excited.

The whole thing fell apart the minute you considered three crucial details. First of all, Kenny was clearly lying about the scenario, and Kyle seriously doubted Cartman was currently in fear of a buff Kyle beating him up. Secondly, why the hell would he want any interaction with Cartman, and thirdly-.

" But I'm not buff." Kyle observed. "So why would Cartman be scared?"

"Oh he's scared alright." Retorted Kenny

"But I DIDN'T get buff!" Kyle wished alcohol had a greater effect on him, he hated being the most sober acting drunk around a ton of idiots.

"Worse, you got hot." Kenny winked. "Cartman would die from jizzing too hard just looking at you." 

"That's disgusting!"  Complained Kyle with Stan nodding in agreement likely trying really hard not to throw up.

"He'd bust a nut right in the pub!" Kenny roared with laughter.

"Why do you have to make everything so sexual." Kyle rolled his eyes again. "We're not all sex machines, Ken. You act like you're still in highschool." Kyle assumed Kenny's comment about Cartman was a weird round about way of hitting on Kyle, or at the very least grossing him out. 

"This is the prime of my fuckin' immortal life. I'm gonna enjoy it." The way Kenny said that, Kyle could swear he was talking about more than just sex. Something was going on.

Kyle weighed his options. He could ignore whatever Cartman and Kenny were plotting and just go back home to work on legal documents for his shitty bank, and likely never know what was going on.

...or he could investigate

The only way to figure out what was going on was to go straight to the source.

"Okay, I'm in. I'll do the prank" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have the time tell me what you liked and what you didn't like so I can improve ❤


	3. Awaiting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If this will continue chapters will be really short. Sorry guys. I hate to disappoint, and I'm really not confident in my skill in fiction, but for the few of you that want the story to continue... I'll do my best

Kyle had no idea how wrong he was about Cartman. Although he was correct in that Cartman wasn't sitting somewhere in a corner biting his fingernails out of fear of being beaten up by a buff Kyle, however, Cartman was still petrified. He sat on a hotel armchair filing his nails having very distinctively *different* thoughts about Kyle. His phone was wedged between his thighs and open to Kenny's contact and he anxiously waited to hear from him.

Cartman appeared to be calm, every part of his body language giving off the air of someone relaxing. He stretched his arm out and inspected his nail with the air of a CEO at a meeting which he could care less about. Or more accurately, an Italian mobster calculating whether it was worth his time to get you killed. Beneath this carefully constructed facade which he'd spent years developing, his breath was uneven and scattered, rising and falling rapidly.

Kyle was wrong because Cartman was absolutely 100% petrified at the thought of confronting Kyle. Even after all these years, Cartman knew he couldn't depend on himself to behave, or indeed have any self-control, the minute he laid his eyes on Kyle. If  he was gorgeous in fucking middle school, there was no way tell how hot he'd be now.

****

** Bitch he asked about you **

** *Attached picture* **

****

Cartman's whole body shuddered the minute he saw Kyle's face. He was so attractive, even when he was caught mid-talking with a weird expression on his face, damn. His face was long and slim allowing his otherwise large nose to look perfectly in place. His bright green eyes carried the same ferocity Cartman remembered from their childhood. Cartman had pushed Kyle to his boiling point many times just to get a glimpse of that intense passion he knew Kyle's eyes could be capable of. Most importantly, Cartman couldn't believe it, the asshole had the nerve to ditch his green ushanka and let just about anyone see his gorgeous jew-fro.

 

As a child, Cartman had done his best to insult Kyle's hair enough so that he'd be the only one that got to see it. The thought of running his fingers through the fiery red curls aroused him more than porn, and he found that terrifying.

 

** Kenny I fucking told you NO PICTURES **

 

**don't be embarrassed bby**

**his hairs got me half chubbed too**

 

Kenny was lucky to be immortal because the two of them being best friends was likely the only thing keeping Cartman from driving to the pub that very second and murdering him. He had completely lost his cool demeanor, nail file tossed aside in favor of furious typing.

 

**hands off if you know what's good for you Kenneth**

 

**chill**

**Im not that interested**

**I have a new target now**

***attached picture***

**Marsh has gotten way hotter imo**

 

Just like that, the tension broke and Cartman laughed, besides himself.

**the fucking hippie??**

**isnt he straight**

 

**isnt Kyle?**

 

**touche**

 

Cartman couldn't stay mad at Kenny for sending the picture despite his specific instruction not to do so. Kenny did whatever he wanted, and Cartman kind of depended on that. After all, the possibility of Kenny going against his orders was exactly why Cartman was anxiously sitting by his phone in the first place.

 

And even the attractive image of Kyle couldn't distract him from his work. Well, unless one was to count the quick stop at the bathroom to get rid of a small problem. 

* * *

**Author's Note:**

> I'll continue this if someone wants me to but it's so fucking bad


End file.
